I Am Not A Doormat: 3 Strategies To Be More Assertive.
Josie is sick of people giving her more work that has nothing to do with her.
Lim is currently cash strap and really want to decline when colleagues ask him to go for drinks after work. However, he often time found himself at the bar with them because he simply can’t say no.
Norah always finds her exhausted after the end of the day because she’s busy running around the whole day — fulfilling everyone’s expectation except hers.
Jessica needs to know where her relationship with Brian is going but every time she asked Brian oftentimes either get angry or simply just ignoring her. Instead of standing up to him, she swept it under the carpet because she is uncomfortable with the conflict or a difficult conversation.
Any of these situations seem familiar to you?
Avoidance — not being able to say No — keeping silence when you really want to say something: These are the most common problem for people who are a doormat.
As rude as that sound but if you never stand up for yourself and say what you really mean, people are going to walk all over you.
And that my friend — make you a doormat.
And in order for you to not be a doormat, you need to learn on how to be more assertive.
Let me share with you three foolproof ways to do exactly that.
#1 Use the ‘I’ Statement
Because the moment you start your sentence with ‘You’, everything will sound accusatory — and nobody wants to feel like they are being accused of something.
Let me illustrate that.
Imagine someone comes to you and start saying this to you,
“You never understand what I need. You always do what you want and have no respect for anything.”
So how does the ‘I’ statement helps in this situation?
Allow me to elaborate further on this.
Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings clearly. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements.
When you start your sentence with ‘I’, it indicates ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direct and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
Listen, I get it.
When you are in conflict, you may have difficulty clearly articulating your situation without escalating the conflict even further. Everyone has been there. Using an “I” statement can help you state your concerns, feelings, and needs in a manner that is easier for the listener to hear and understand.
Why?
An “I-statement” focuses on your own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do — because you might be wrong.
It is the difference, for example, between saying, “I feel that I am not being taken seriously in this project because I never had the chance to express my idea” and “You don’t respect me enough and you never want to listen to my idea.”
If you can express your experience in a way that does not attack, criticize, or blame others, you are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility which tends to escalate conflicts, or have the other person shut-down or tune you out which tends to stifle communication. Because let’s face it.
The moment someone feels like they are being attacked, they are going to shut down immediately and the whole discussion will go down the drain.
Here is a skeleton on how you can plan your ‘I’ statement:
Four parts of an “I” Message:
1. “When _________________________________” (state observation)
2. “I feel or I think _____________________________” (state feeling)
3. “Because ______________________________________” (state need)
4. “I would prefer that_____________________________” (state preference)
Here’s another pattern to the “I” Message you can use:
- How you feel “I feel really upset…”
- What you have that feeling about “about how you are always failed to meet with your deadline”
- Why you feel this way “because it causes many delays in my work”
- What you would like to see instead: “I would prefer that you submit your work on time.”
Ultimately, the “I” statement help creates more opportunities for the resolution of conflict by creating more opportunities for constructive dialogue about the true sources of conflict.
#Scripting
Scripting is about preparation.
Imagine you are super annoyed with your colleague for a while now, and you feel that today is the day you are going to have a difficult conversation with him about his behaviour.
If you go into the conversation without proper planning on how this conversation should go, the possibility for both of you to escalate the conversation into a big messy fight is highly probable.
So how do you prevent that?
By scripting.
In this case, we can apply a DESC script.
The DESC script was developed by Sharon and Gordon Bower and is discussed more fully in their book, Asserting Yourself.
DESC stands for:
Describe
Express
Specify
Consequences.
Try practising the script on the situation that you have identified.
And remember: You should try writing the script out and practising it before you talk to the person.
Describe.
Describe the behaviour/situation as completely and objectively as possible. Just the facts!
“I feel like I am the one who is pulling all the weight in this project.”
Express.
Express your feelings and thoughts about the situation/behaviour.
Just how we discussed previously, try to phrase your statements using “I”, and not “You”.
“As a result, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do.”
Specify.
Specify what behaviour/outcome you would prefer to happen.
“I would like the two of us to share the workload together.”
Consequences.
Specify the consequences (both positive and negative).
“If we both work together, we can complete the project much faster.”
Or
“If we work together, I will be less overwhelmed and can be much more effective and efficient.”
See? Useful isn’t it?
This way you know you are going into the discussion well-prepared.
#Be A Broken Record
Basically saying the same thing over and over again.
Likened to vinyl records that, when severely scratched (i.e., “broken”), can loop endlessly over the same recorded segment.
That.
Depending on the circumstances, the broken-record response may be a negative politeness strategy or a comparatively tactful way of avoiding an argument or a power struggle.
“With the broken-record technique,” says Suzie Hayman, “it is important to use some of the same words over and over again in different sentences.
This reinforces the main part of your message and prevents others from raising red herrings or diverting you from your central message” (Be More Assertive, 2010).
Check out this example:
Milla: Can I borrow 200 bucks from you?
Shah: I can’t lend you any money. I’ve run out.
Milla: I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. I need it desperately. You are my friend, aren’t you?
Shah: I can’t lend you any money.
Milla: I would do the same for you, you know. Are you not my friend?
Shah: I am your friend but I can’t lend you any money. I’ve run out.
See what Shah does there?
He stands on his ground and keep repeating himself until Milla understands that he really is not going to lend her any mone.
This technique is not only great to make sure people understand that you are serious about your stand but it also great to stop people from manipulating you.
Wrapping up…
I understand that being assertive does not come easy to many people. Especially when growing up, it is ingrained in us to avoid as many conflict as possible to ‘save face’. It is also not easy for someone who find communicating their feelings make them extremely uncomfortable.
However, consistently being a pushover will cause us a lot of unnecessary stress, waste our time and sometimes even waste our money. So why not minimize all that?
Learning how to stand up for ourselves when we need to is a great skill to have. Try little steps everyday. See how it goes.
After all none of us wants to be anybody’s doormat.
Good luck!
